Dear Santa,

I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please
PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,

That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap
doesn’t work with me. You’re getting a sweater again.
Santa

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Dear Santa,

What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making
toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,

All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Vegas, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail
waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted
to know.
Santa

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Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots
for your reindeer outside the back door.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,

Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face
when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me
a bottle of scotch.
Santa